IT jokes
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
How can you tell if Google is a girl?
It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!
I don't have luck with other angels.
So I just WING IT!
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What is it called when a cow sings? A lawsuit.
This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What's the difference between a pizza & a person?
A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
I couldn’t quite remember how to catch a boomerang, but eventually it hit me!
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
I read a story about a rabbit being raised. It was a hare-raising tale!
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
What season is it when you're on a trampoline?
Spring time!
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
Jack: Hey Josh!
Josh: What?
Jack: Sex!
Josh: Huh?
Jack: SEX!!
Josh: I don't get it.
Jack: Exactly ;)
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.