IT jokes

Mia’s mother has 5 kids: Lilly, Abby, Alexa, Mila, and.... Q: Who is last? A: Mia.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Little old lady, you don’t need to yodel about it!

"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."

Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.

I found this game, it's like flappy bird: https://terrorist.group/

If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.

I was playing Fortnite with a kid, then I heard their emo sister in the background, and it sounded like they were playing Fortnite, too, with the pistol shot and all.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

Everyone: "Look, it's Superman!"

Me: "No, it's an emo."

Everyone: "Oh."

Do you want to hear a cold joke?

Can't. It warmed up.

Why does an orphan like The Beatles? Because it's family friendly.

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why does the Tower of Pisa lean?

Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

Why is 6 scared? Because 7 8 9.

Why is 10 scared? Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Jimmy: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Joe: Why?

Jimmy: To get to the idiot’s house.

Jimmy: Knock knock.

Joe: Who’s there?

Jimmy: It’s the chicken.

Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.

First guy: “Sorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.”

Second guy: “Between me and you talking, there’s almost no PUNCH line. Hah!”

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.