IT jokes

You should wear binoculars when calculating. It helps divide.

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?

Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

"Lune, it’s me."

Dark humor is like food:

Not everyone gets it.

Or a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.

Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?

Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

I'd make a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy. I know y'all have too thick of a crust to get it!

Why does five plus five equal eleven?

Because it's actually six.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

Your hairline goes so far back that it stretches the length of Ohio.

It would be a miracle if someone figured out the length of your hairline.

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

I'd make a joke about the chin bones, but y'all couldn't mandle it.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.