You blow a kiss up.
Your eyes were bright up your ass.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
What did the first guy say to the second?
Wanna shove a banana up yo ass?
If sex with three people is called a "threesome" and sex with two people is called a "twosome," then I know why people call you handsome!
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
What's the worst thing about eating a shaved pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Three people having sex is a threesome; two people is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "handsome," don't take it as a compliment.
TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.
Definition of trust: two cannibals having oral sex.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
What's long and can never wait for more for the ladies' action and likes when it gets harder...
Your penis!
Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?
Boyfriend: My mom taught me.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Tyler: What's your favorite fruit?
Frankie: Pineapple duh, what's yours?
Tyler: Pineapple
Frankie: Wanna come over and watch some Netflix? I'm home alone.
Tyler: Absolutely!! What time should I be there?
Frankie: Right now.
Tyler: Sweet! Should I bring a condom?
Frankie: Now enough talk, let's fuck.
Tyler: I thought you never asked.
"Fuck me."
That's what she said.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
