INS jokes
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
What's worse than having ants in your pants?
Uncles.
What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
Why don't the giraffes go to elementary school? Because they are already in high school.
What do elves study in school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce in.
Lettuce in who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here!
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
Me: When I saw an orphan on the street in rags.
Also me: Are you okay?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave it away?
Me: Because you have no family.
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What's the difference Michael Jackson and a play station have in common...
They're both plastic and kids turn them on.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
One random YouTube comment in 2018: "Soon, a virus will come to Earth."
A year later: "Pahahahahah that comment is fake lmaoooo ahahahha!"
Another year later: "Time to die a painful death."
Another year later: "God has come with the cure!"
There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.
What did one cheek say to the other cheek?
"It is a squash in here!"
What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is ten kids in one container; morbid humor is one kid in ten containers.
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.