INS jokes

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

Did you know that the F in orphan means family?

There's no F in orphan?

Exactly.

I killed a man in '94.

What's WWE called in Africa?

Shadow fight.

You are the reason why child abortion still exists in the world.

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

An Indian guy and an American guy in a wheelchair met in a bar for drinks.

The American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk.

The Indian guy got drunk and walked away.

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?

The Western Front is domestic violence.

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin through her neck.

Why do orphans do so well in life?

When people told them "Go big or go home," they only had one option.

What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.

You know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.

Help!

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.