Infant jokes
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
I was about to make a baby joke but then decided to abort.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.
How do you stop a baby from crying?
You drown it.
Pov me tryna dance:
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What does a baby in a blender look like? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
What's white, red, and screams a lot?
A baby in a blender.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?
One baby in five dumpsters.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Were you born on the highway? That's where most accidents happen.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them, with fuck.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.