Infant jokes

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.

What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?

Beets stain your teeth.

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.

What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.

What's worse than one dead baby in a trash can?

One dead baby in ten trash cans.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.

What happens when you put a baby in a blender?

The baby is a cherry smoothie.

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

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What's the difference between a sports car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a sports car in my garage.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.