Infant jokes
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?
I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
What's worse than one dead baby in a trash can?
One dead baby in ten trash cans.
What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
What happens when you put a baby in a blender?
The baby is a cherry smoothie.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Poop poop poop poop poop poop pp ppppppppppppoppppppppppooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppoooooopppp children pooooooooooooooooop in diapers.
What's the difference between a sports car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a sports car in my garage.
What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?
One baby in five dumpsters.
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
Simple... you staple its mouth shut.