If jokes

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

If someone called you ugly, say before you call me ugly, look in a mirror.

Orphans would be upset if they went to FamilyMart.

'Cause they sell oden, not a family.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

A friend warned me that if I voted for Goldwater in 1964, we'd end up bombing North Viet Nam.

Well, I voted for him anyway, and sure enough, we ended up bombing North Viet Nam.

If you play Minecraft too much, you belong to the streets.

What happens if the dumbest person from Europe goes to the US?

The average IQ increases in both places.

Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.

Hey, the biggest distraction will never be my tattoos in this facility if you understand what I am saying.

But in all seriousness, welcome to the biggest frat party taking place near the ocean. I am most likely going to tell my family this or maybe not, depending what's going down. I am very adaptive through different circumstances.

So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.

If someone calls you dirty minded just say:

"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.

What do you get if you eat sugar?

High.

What do you get if you cross hot wheels, hot legs? Hehe.

Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"

The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"