How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A sturgeon!
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
"How would you describe yourself in three words?"
"Lazy!"
How do our brains remember that we forgot something, but we can't remember what that thing was?
How does white people's backyard look like? Cotton field!
How do you get a monkey off the wall?
You jerk him off!
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
MORE BAD JOKES
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentacles!
