Howe jokes

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

A kid went to visit his bully, and he says, "How's your face?" The kid says, "How's your parents?" and proceeds to walk out of the orphanage.

Funny how "Hawking" rhymes with "talking" and "walking," and he can't do either.

And the first four letters of his Christian name spell "step," and he also can't do that.

How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10; 1 to do it and 9 to back him up.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.

I'm pretty sure it was because of Uranus.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Make them clap until their parents come back.

How did Michael Jackson die?

Because he danced like a zombie!

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

How do you call a virgin girl in Alabama? An orphan.

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

How do you check that a rabbit is old?

You check how many gray hares it has.

How does a penguin (however you spell it) build a house? Igloos it together!