Howe jokes
So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
How do you get 1 million followers:
{ RUN THROUGH AFRICA WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER }
A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"
His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."
The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"
"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."
The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."
The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."
"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."
How are a bald eagle and a bald man similar?
Because they both have eyes.
Memes
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill Gates!
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
How do fish get high?
Because they eat seaweed.
How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.
Q: How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
A: She kept stepping on a rake.
How do you properly eat a vegetable?
You tip over the wheelchair.
How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?
Stop eating caterpillars.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up as an altar boy.
How do men like their women? Striped.
How does a priest like their children? Clean.
Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.
What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If it sinks it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s boy-ant (buoyant).
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.
How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual?
The same way that you would treat anybody else, you homophobic bastard.
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.