House jokes
How do kill a redneck?
Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.
Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.
Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?
Because he had a new window open...
Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
What do you call a retard in a house fire?
Flame Retardant.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course it can, a house can't jump.
Why couldn’t the house see?
The blinds were down.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."
What did the cholo say when the house fell on him?
"Get off me, homes!"
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
What do you call a cute door?
Adoorable.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.
What does a house wear?
A dress.
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me homes."