Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.
They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.
Where was Stephen Hawking during the house fire?
The top of the stairs.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
