House jokes
My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
A horse says to the other horse, "Are you hot?"
The other horse says, "Ahhhh, a house that talks!"
Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?
A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.
A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the gay guy's house. Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
My class is my house is quite. I suck a dick, now one cares.
How do kill a redneck?
Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.
Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.
Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?
Because he had a new window open...
Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
What do you call a retard in a house fire?
Flame Retardant.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”