New House Jokes - Page 33 - Worst Jokes Ever

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

A horse says to the other horse, "Are you hot?"

The other horse says, "Ahhhh, a house that talks!"

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.

He just turned a blind eye.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the gay guy's house. Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

My class is my house is quite. I suck a dick, now one cares.

How do kill a redneck?

Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.

Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.

Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?

Because he had a new window open...

Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.

A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."

His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "I was talking to the sheep."

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."