Guy: shows girlfriend his dick.
Girlfriend: "Cool, where is it?"
HI Jokes
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
Hi, I'm new.
I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."
She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
What did Hitler get for his birthday?
A G.I. Jew and an Easy Bake Oven.
I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.
I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.
He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?
He was airing his blanket.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?
“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”
