HI jokes

A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."

Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.

He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!

How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A buccaneer.

I would like to say Hitler gave two fucks about his people.

But quite Anne frankly, I'd be lying.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Why was the boy crying?

He had a frog stapled to his face.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?

His running mate has 34 of them!

What is long that Paul Walker can fit into his mouth? A long black tree.

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.

When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”

Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.