Hes

Hes jokes

Incest

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

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  • Birth Certificate

    A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

    "Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

    "Denise."

    "That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

    "Tom Junior."

    Baby

    So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

    Condom

    A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

    The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

    Adoption

    One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

    Uranus

    Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

    Trump

    Why didn't Trump beat Biden?

    Because he couldn't trump that bitch!

    Feminist

    Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

    Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

    Cow

    What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

    "Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

    Dog

    Why did the dog join the marching band?

    Because he had his trum-bone.

    Nazi

    It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.

    Skeleton

    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

    Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

    Mushroom

    Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

    Because he’s a fungi.

    Guy

    I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.