Hes Jokes

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

Why didn't Trump beat Biden?

Because he couldn't trump that bitch!

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

Why was JFK stupid? He only had half a brain.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why did the skeleton start a fight? Because he had a bone to pick.

Why did the dog join the marching band?

Because he had his trum-bone.

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

How did Michael Jackson get away with it?

He's a smooth criminal.