What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
Hand Jokes
What did the blind kid say after touching the emo kid’s hand?
“I ain’t reading all that.”
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
Recently my baby did this:
🖕🏼👶🏼🖕🏼 🎽 👖
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
A: She moans with the other.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
When you have a hand clock it goes tic-tac.
When an American has it go backwards, it's tactic.
One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.
It got too out of hand and I got spanked.
God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.
What do you never say to gay people?
IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS! 🤣🤣🤣🏳️🌈
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.
How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.
Why do emo kids hate high fives?
They’re always left hanging.
