Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks, i'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you're what
In Ohio,People walk with thier hands
Once there was a woman who had a husband and a dog, the husband dies. The dog would always sleep under the bed and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down and the dog would like it to say she/he was alright. One night it was thunder storming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does he/she likes her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap. But the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can like too", in the dogs blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
Why does Donald Trump love little boys? Because his hands look massive when he’s holding their tiny little prepubescent cocks
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or no legs. One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked." The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Why were her hands purple? She Heard it Through the Grapevine
Last night i shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel, We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a hand-job So did my friend on the right
I had a dream of skiing.
I seen your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing. Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.
A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.
The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks they decided to go back to her place.
When they arrived she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time she burst open her bedroom door and she said, "I hope you're ready!"
She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand and a 12 inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.
The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"
She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."
The dude replied, "While you were in there I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants and came on your curtains. It's been fun!
X【╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿══╤─ I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22.caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
Whats the difference between an orphan and a second hand book?
The second hand book was loved once..
Today I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled “Pisstiano Penaldo!”
My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.
One day this kid says to his dad."Dad they bully at school.''His dad asks why.And the kid says''They bully me because I got no hands.''Then his dad says.''who would do such a thing like that,I want to know who they are point at them.''
The cold winter night there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men where gay but they did not know. Fili: Fili. Kili: And Kili. Fili and Kili: At your service. Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins. Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house. Kili: What?! Has it been canceled? Fili: No one told us. Bilbo: Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled. Kili: That’s a relief. Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened. Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself? Bilbo: Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that? Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand. Kili: Mr. Dwalin. Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in. Bilbo: Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste! One of the Dwarves: Get off, you big lump!
Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. it was a bar seat. they where able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it
One does not simply hand over a jar of dirt..
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair. The man who controls the chair asks for any last words. The prisoner reply’s with: “Can you hold my hand?”
