𝔇𝔞𝔤𝔤𝔢𝔯

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

Women ☕

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction".

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together. Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me? Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house. Police: … Child: 😊 Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds", so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off”. In the end I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.