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Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
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Women β
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I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction".
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Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together. Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me? Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house. Police: β¦ Child: π Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*
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There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
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My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds", so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
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How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
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How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.
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Canβt believe how ungrateful my dwarf next door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to βfuck offβ. In the end I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
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What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.