Good

Good jokes

Account

    • Hi guys, it's Gwen. Good morning, people! Just to let you know, I am deleting my account tomorrow.

  • 1

    • Tube

    • So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

    Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

    At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

    While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

    So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

    Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

    Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

  • 2

    • Orphan

    • Why can’t orphans have a good childhood?

    Because they could not go to theme parks! 😅😅

    Wife

    • Dschoha's wife was accustomed to go out at night to meet her lover, which caused the neighbors to tease Dschoha. Thus, one night he stayed awake until she left, then locked the door and sat down just inside.

    Upon returning, she found the door locked. She asked him to have mercy on her and to open the door, but he just scolded her.

    Having given up hope for a good outcome, she said to him, "If you don't open the door for me, I'll jump into the well."

    Then she picked up a large stone and threw it into the well. Filled with regret, he ran outside to see what had happened. His wife immediately slipped into the house and locked the door.

    He made every effort to convince her to let him come inside, but she scolded him incessantly, saying, "This is what you get for staying out all night with your drunken friends!" And thus she succeeded in shaming him in the presence of all their neighbors.

  • 0
    • Good memes

    Cow

    • Two cows are standing in a field.

    Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?

    Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

  • 0

    • Chinese

    • Why are Chinese so good at jaywalking? Cause they can't tell the difference between green and red light with their tiny eyes.

  • 5

    • Cat

    • Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

    I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.

  • 0

    • Tour Guide

    • I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.

    Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.

    Wife

    • My wife is a whore, so I pimped her out and broke her mentally and emotionally, taught her a good lesson of being a real woman loyal to her man. End of story, you women are bitches.

  • 1

    • Parent

    • Are your parents bakers? Because you're a cutie pie.

    Are you a loan? Because you've got my interest.

    Is your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!

    If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.

    Are you an artist? Because you’re really good at drawing me in.

    I believe in following my dreams. Can I have your Instagram?

    If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.

    If you were a flower, you'd be a daaaaaamn-delion!

  • 3

    • Suicide

    • When someone tells me to kill myself,

    Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

  • 0