A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno....this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm...I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:.......(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) fuck me........ God:....(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty
I always hated being born a catholic as a kid, the way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church, I was always thinking “for God’s sake just pick a position and fuck me”
Why is the elephant headed God the true God? Because he doesn't exist !
Premise 1 : IF God exists , he exists. Premise 2 : If God exists , he exists. Premise 3 : IF God exists , he definitely exists. Conclusion : therefore he exists
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?”, he said
“It’s because God made you special.”, she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
Stephen Hawkings said there is no God 2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawkings
These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.
Why did God make pigs before politicians?
He just needed some practice
Steven Hawking said there is no God, Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Why does God hate me? Because im a gay minority who fights for womens rights
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says "oh my god your shoulders are broad!" another woman says "are you sure it's a woman?"
[god creating Asians] “aliright and the design is finished, see our new model the Asian. It has no hair at all”. Angel asks “does it eat normal food”?, god replies, “ (chuckling) oh no not at all.
God: “Stephen join us” *sees the staircase to heaven*. Stephen: “shit”
God: “Steven join us” *sees the staircase to heaven* Steven: “shit”
Hey God what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire
sounds like a match made in heaven
God made Adam and Eve.
Satan made Adam and Steve.
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god my mom's gonna kill me!"
Why did god create women with pussies? because 1. of-course, God is a MAN. 2. of-course, he isn't gay & 3. of-course, he is a perv too (for wanting more pussies)
