Yo mama's so fat, when God said "Let there be light" he asked her to move out of the way
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer. One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. ̈I will go ask God! ̈ So, he asks God, and God chuckles. ̈You are what you are! ̈ The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, ̈What is wrong? ̈ The zebra answers, ̈Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied ́You are what you are! ́ ̈ His friend says, ̈Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said ́You is what you is! ́
[God creating bees] God: putt a needel on their butt Angel: come on god wha- God: make its puke delicious Angel: wtf
[God creating spiders] God: make it have 8 legs Angel: ok? bit excessive but ok God: and 8 eyes Angel: You need to calm down and li- God: give it a butt rope
When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked : " Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work ? "
God's racist. He separated light from dark.
When Stephen Hawkins died he saw the stareway to heaven. He thought to himself oh god this is awkward
why did he die because God made a mistake and pressed ctrl Z
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes"
One day there were two muffins in an oven, one of the muffins said, "man its hot in here." The other one said "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
What did God say when he made Jake Paul?
Oops, I made a mistake.
God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast. When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the toast god punch line, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man. The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles
I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
