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Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
Jake, Tommy, and Mike were adopted. Jake got adopted, Tommy got adopted, and Mike. Mike grew up to be an office worker. So you get a new job, and hear something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY!"
Why did the orphan run into the street? To get to the other side of life.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
What happened to Stephen Hawking after he reached Heaven?
Nothing yet. He is still struggling to get up the stairway to Heaven.
Why don't they put petals on wheelchairs so when our arms get tired, we just use our legs?
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered a minor.
What do you get when you light Stephen Hawking on fire? A fried PC.
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile!"
Buh dum tish.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered Domino's and got "gets".
How do you get a million Pikachus in a bus?
You shove them on!
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
What do you get from pampered cows?
Spoiled milk.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
Why did the child cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
What does a baby banana call her mum? Na na, get it? Instead of ma ma.
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.