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My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.
I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.
Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.
Happiness is like food, not everyone gets it.
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why can't an orphan get offended?
What are they gonna do, tell their mom?
Why do orphans always get an iPhone X?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?
A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
What is the same thing between apples and orphans?
Apples actually get picked.
What do a blonde chick and a field of wheat have in common?
They're both bound to get plowed at some point in time.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Teacher: Students, tomorrow bring your parents to the open house.
Student one orphan: I don't have any.
Student 2: What is the difference between you and an escaped prisoner?
Student one orphan: What!
Student 2: The prisoner gets picked.
Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?
Why do orphans like apples? Because they get picked.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?
What world record did the people in 9/11 get?
The world record for going down 80 floors in a matter of seconds.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?