Fish jokes
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
I’m breaking up with you, bitch.
A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"
Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!
How do fish get to school?
By the octobus.
Penis.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
Why don't fish play basketball?
Because they're scared of the net!
Why can't you play the guitar on a fish?
Because you can't tuna fish!
What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
What fruit likes to go down the slide?
Kiwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
That's all my jokes in mind, y'all!
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why did the little boy cry? He had a frog nailed to his face and stapled to each of his fins. The frogs were his personal molesters.
What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?
Cat-egories.
Get it?
Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!
What's the difference between a piano, a pot of glue, and a tuna fish?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
What about the glue?
I knew you'd get stuck there.
I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?
"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."
What do you think fish tasted like before women started swimming?
If Finding Nemo was scientifically correct, Marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.