First Jokes

i was digging in a garden once a found a chest full of gold i wanted to show my wife but then i thought why i was digging in the first place

what do you call cyanne when she first wakes up? nanny mc phee

what do call a burning orphan in a wheel chair? Hotwheels What hit the ground first the orphan or the apple? The apple the orphan never hit they ground.

The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi

“The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there.”

😳

I hate 2 faced people because I don’t know which face to slap first.:)

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex. I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything, I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get and yet he won't speak!".

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!".

President Joesph Biden said during the first presidential debate of the 2024 presidential election that he does not debate as well as he used to, Mr. Biden also can't think as well as he used to either but then again when Mr. Biden was a United States senator in the state of Deleware he never could think because thinking was never one of his strengths and that is the reason why Mr. Biden became President Obama's vice president in the first place oh well that's politics

3 men go to hell, Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer you go to heaven. The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers he goes to hell, the next man asks if he knew how to make furniture he goes too, the third man poke a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said " nope this one "😂

So this guy right, he has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog. About 2 weeks after he loses everything he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "what do you mean by 'blowing chunks' ?" says the boss. The man replies with, " Chunks is the name of my dog..."

The witch doctor came in my mouth last week. First hot meal I’ve had in weeks

After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "I Zora Cock!"

There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves. The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head". The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head". The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"