Figure jokes

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

"Julius Caesar" isneezer

"How would you describe a really bad skeleton?"

"Bad to the bone!" (Or "Rotten to the bone" if you want.)

Why did the skeleton die from laughter?

'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"

2 7 73 53.

I'll give you time, figure it out.

I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."

Once upon a time, a donkey was in the jungle. Suddenly, he found a lion costume and then wore it. Then he walked around the forest, and every animal was scared of him. Then he got to the city, and every human was away from him. He was chasing them when he was chasing his owner. He brayed, and then they figured out that this was not a real lion, and then he told everybody about it. Then he berated his donkey.

When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.

I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

It would be a miracle if someone figured out the length of your hairline.

It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!

"What did the zero say to the eight?"

"That belt looks good on you!"

What did the doc say to the skeleton? You're skele-a-ton.

Yo forehead is so big, Albert Einstein couldn’t figure out the measurement of it!

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

Why did the kid named Jeff become gay? Because he grew up without a father figure. Hahaha, I love dark humor!

Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).

I just figured out the "X" in Max stands for the button on Tinder every girl wants to press when they see him.

Why doesn’t the orphan have any toys? Because his Lego figures ran away too.

Yo mama's so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out of the way.