Feel jokes

Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?

Well, they aren't.

Why?

They aren't repeated customers.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.

So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.

The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.

If you're feeling mad, punch an autistic kid. What's he gonna do, blabber to the teacher?

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

Hey everyone, I'm back because I'm sinking back towards depression because my sister is really being a bitch, and my parents always side with her, and the stress over online school is just getting overwhelming, and I'm seriously considering hanging myself to end it all because the pain is just... terrible, and I feel like I'm not worth life.

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?

When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Don't you feel an empty feeling...

IN YOUR SKULL!

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

Why do orphans always go to white vans when someone asks?

Because they want to feel wanted.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."

When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.