Family jokes

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

What's the difference between an orphan and Stuart Little?

Stuart Little got chosen!

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

Why can’t orphans go on a field trip?

Parent signature __________

I made a website for orphans, but there's no homepage.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

So imagine bullying an orphan so bad they cry, and then you say, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because his options were to go bigger or go home. He only had one choice. :)

Why did the orphan cross the road?

To get to the real estate agent.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

What do you call an orphan fish?

Self-ish.