Family jokes

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

Guess why a lot of orphans were in "Home Alone"? Because their family left them.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.

When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.

Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

*The next day*

Uncle: F*CK!

Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"

Guy: That's probably because you're single.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?

She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.

Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?

Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.

Laugh now.

Why can't orphans have an iPhone?

They can't find the home button.

Eminem: "He don't even know his own father." Orphans: Dang, wish I could listen to that. Eminem: At least you have a rap God to call father.

I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.

My dads just like my eggs... runny. 🤣😭🥺

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

If you're ever bored, adopt an orphan. What is he going to do, be kissed by Vedanta?

So I made a simple cancer joke on Roblox with my friend, and then both her dumb-ass friends were like, "OMG WHY WOULD U SAY DAT? YOUR HORRIBLE!!" That pissed me off. Like damn woman, it's not like I said, "IF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DIED FROM CANCER THAT MEANS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ALL DUMB-ASSES." If anything they are actually dumb asses but hey. Also they can't talk. They don't know that I'm abused everyday at home and pressured to get good grades or else I'd get my head bashed against a wall till there is blood. So if they are reading this, SUCK MY ASS BITCH.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.