Family jokes
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.
Your Nan is dead.
What's the difference between you and your sister?
Your dad.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
Why do all orphans have an iPhone X?
Because it doesn't have a home button.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Why do orphans love playing baseball?
They can always run home.
Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
He doesn't have a home to go to.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home plate.
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
Peter: Curses!
Jacob: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Peter: *Crying*
Jacob: Why are you crying?
Jacob: Whatever. *Leaves orphanage*
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
Repeat after me...
Me: "You have a weird style."
Mom: "You have a weird style."
Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they have no home to run to.
So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."
Why can orphans never go on field trips?
Because they can’t get a parent signature.