Family jokes
So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.
An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."
"What is it?" she asked.
"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.
"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.
"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.
"And your final wish?" the genie asked.
"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked if she wanna. Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and they had a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, now they have a son.
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
"I only want to play with your daughter. It was okay yesterday."
What's the similarity between my son and a rug from eBay? I asked for a refund.
Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.
Why can orphans just be gay?
Cause they want to call somebody "daddy."
What do you say after committing incest? No Chromo!
What do you get when you cross mums and makeup?
Beauty!
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
What type of flower does an orphan use?
Self-raising flour.
Your hairline goes further back than your mum's divorce.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they can't find home.
Why does an orphan hate the ending of Finding Nemo?
Nemo goes back to his father.
What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Kariana: Dad and mom, what is this bullshit?
Treon: How did you find that?!
Kariana: It was under the cabinet where you told me to put the streamers. I found these under the cabinet, did she have another sister you didn't tell me about? Now tell the truth, or else!
Petina: Now what have we told you about going into things that are not yours!
Kariana: I just told you to say the fricking truth, now who is Faineni? Where is she? Who is she? What is her date of birth? Why do I have her bra under here and why....IS IT UNDER THE FRICKING CABINET!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!
Treon: We can't!
Kariana: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!