Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?
She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.
Family Jokes
Why does an orphan not play baseball?
Because they can’t find home.
Brother: Your eyebrows look hella bad.
Sister: I don’t even think you know what eyebrows are supposed to look like because you have none.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They can’t find home.
If an orphan were to get a takeaway, what’s the home address?
What comes to visit more often than your aunt? Your acne.
Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
Your mama so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
How did the orphan die?
Of sadness.
Where do you think all the orphans went?
In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he gets to call someone father.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alabama.
Alabama who?
Alabama your cousin.
What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?
"Goodnight, Mom!"
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
In a deep village in Germany, an old man asked his granddaughter, "What are you doing?"
His granddaughter replies, "Removing Polish with chemicals."
Grandpa said, "When I was young, I did the same."
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.
The things you do for your cousins!
I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ
