Family Jokes

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were, I responded "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

my mums a carrot

what do you call a cup with a handle?

a mug! HAHA ha... my parents just got a divorce :(

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home. He'll probably leave her alone now. He doesn't eat vegetables.

My wife called me a pedo that's a big word for a 6 year old

What to you get if you cross diarrhoea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Kid: " Mom I had a scary dream can I come sleep with you and dad " Mom: " sure sweetie sleep in the middle " Kid: " Dad can you get the remote out of my back " Dad: " That isn't the remote "

*Weird background music*

when my grandpa was 65 he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

he's 70 now and we have no idea where he is

Why can't orphans watch "The Simpsons"?

Because they don't know who's Homer.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me! Mom: when? Kid: you told me that my little brother was an Angel! Mom: Sooo? Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony? Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

What do you call children born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product

Sister: your adopted

Me: at least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Why couldn't the orphan buy chips

They were all family sized

my grandpa unplugged the AC so i unplugged his life support

Everyone in my class: I can't wait until have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job My friends: What's your dream job? Me: I'm going to die young :))