Family jokes

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

Why can’t orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: ______

How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

What’s the difference between a nose and an orphan? A nose gets picked more.

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

Why does an orphan love to go to church?

Because they have someone to call father.

A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?