Family jokes
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
Why do orphans hate health ed at school?
Their parents can't opt them out of it.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Dad: Hey, have you seen that new movie, "Constipation"?
Son: No.
Dad: It hasn't come out yet.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
What does an orphan and a lost kid have in common?
They have no way home.
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
What is the similarity between Hitler and orphans?
They both don't have parents.
When you go to Incestry.com instead of Ancestry.com.
Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.
Son, he is dinner.
I made a website about orphans.
It didn’t have a home page!
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”
Fancy playing rodeo sex?
"OK then," she said!
Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!
Why can't an orphan play kickball?
Because they can't hit home.
"When someone asks for a dad joke and you send them to the orphan page."
Want to know how a joke becomes a dad joke? Just wait for it to leave you and never come back.
Orphan: I’m gonna tell my parents!
Me: Where are they?
Orphan: ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents