Family jokes

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

BlessedBrian's family reunions must be like a casting call for the Addams Family.

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.

What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

Your dad doesn’t beat you.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?

About nine months and a day.

Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?

Because there’s a bartender in there.

What dating app do people in Alabama use? Ancestry.com.

Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.