Family jokes

A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Ur mom gay.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?

Your dad must be a mailman.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They ain't got no home to run to.

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.