Family jokes

What did your mom say last night? "Go harder!"

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple actually gets picked.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"

A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Ur mom gay.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?

Your dad must be a mailman.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.