Family jokes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they have no home to go to.
What's the difference between friends and family?
One is actually real.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't run home.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they can’t find their home.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word “Mother-in-law” you get the words “Woman Hitler”.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.