Family jokes

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

If you play games, go play on your sister.

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

Why was the orphan happy that he got in trouble at school?

Because the principal was going to call his parents.

Why can’t orphans have sex? Because they have no one to call DADDY! 😩

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

Q: Why do orphans like boomerangs?

A: They come back, unlike their parents.

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

Why do orphans go to church?

They go there to finally call someone "father."

What is the best part about eating cake? Your mom.

Why do orphans go to church?

Because it's the only place where they get to call him "father."

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find home.

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

Why are orphans so bad at learning about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.