Family jokes
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
"I AM NOT PETER GRIFFIN!"
Leo: Mom?
Mom: Yes!
Leo: Is rape good?
Mom: NO!
Leo: Good cause I raped someone!
Mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Danny, your mum [is] dead as hell and got raggedy shoes on.
What does the dead man say to the other? He says, "Your daughter is pretty."
The other man says, "How do you know?"
The other man says, "Because she is dead."
And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
Mom! (DYM 7)
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They never can make it home.
What's more annoying than uncles?
Ants.
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.
The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"
The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.
Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
Yo forehead so angled, your mom could walk up.
Why can't orphans steal bases?
Because they can't find home.