Family jokes

Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

Yo forehead so angled, your mom could walk up.

Why can't orphans steal bases?

Because they can't find home.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

Why does an orphan only have a Samsung? Because it doesn't have a home button!

Karens yell, I scream, my mum fucks me.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year? Because there is no Mother's or Father's Day.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and feel better.

Your mom's so fat, the photo from last Christmas is still printing!

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

Nobody really liked our fireplace.

So I turned it into a brick pizza oven. Idk why, but now everyone likes our fireplace.

Your mom is ugly.

Stevie Wonder is a terrible father.

He never sees his kids.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.