Family jokes
When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)
What is an orphan's favorite event?
Homecoming.
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(
Baby (DYM 108).
Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.
What kind of cake can an orphan not have?
Homemade.
Where do orphans go to celebrate graduation?
Their parents.
Why can’t orphans have a computer?
Because they don’t have a home page.
Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.
Your family tree looks like a circle 💀💀💀
I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.
I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.
Why can’t orphans have a good childhood?
Because they could not go to theme parks! 😅😅
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆
If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
Every Dorito bag for orphans is family sized.