Family jokes

Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.

An orphan walks into a shop but gets lost, so he calls his mum but then remembers.

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

Why do cops never put orphans in jail?

Because they aren't wanted.

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

What is the difference between an orphan and a watermelon?

One of them is picked.

Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?

Because they have no parental guidance.

Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?

Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!

Where can't orphans park?

Parent child.

Orphan: I'm hungry.

Dad: Let's go to KFC.

Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?

Hug his parents.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

What do you call an orphan’s family tree?

A stump.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?

My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.

So things are just too tiring to sort out... like which adoption center you should send your son to?