Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.
The sir: My children will be devastated.
Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.
The sir: Whatever it takes.
*Suppressed gunshots*
Evers Jokes
Ever heard of candies? Candies balls fit in your mouth.
What's the difference between the 44 out of the 45 people who died in the Yaroslavl crash and the nine people who died in the helicopter crash?
Only one was ever famous. Vasicek and Kobe Bryant were the champions.
I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.
Why can't you ever fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
If you ever had your nipple ripped off by a possum, you might be a redneck...
What's the funniest joke ever?
Rapboat thinking he can rap.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Why don't rappers ever become chefs?
Because they can't stop droppin' the beet!
Why don't rappers ever play baseball?
Because they're too busy dropping hits!
Why don’t rappers ever get cold?
Because they have so many fans!
Why don't rappers ever get lost?
Because they always have BARS on their GPS.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?
My life.
Have you ever stepped in Stephen Hawking's house?
Neither has he.
Have you ever eaten a clock before? I heard it’s very time consuming.
What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.
What's only book rapeboat ever read? Rhyming dictionary, he got no rhymes without it.
"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"
"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
