One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon..
And into a children's birthday party.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.
Not a soul in sight.
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Why were the people during 9/11 mad because they ordered pepperoni sandwiches, but they got two planes?
What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Can't wait for the orphans to have their family reunion! Wait...
When was the only time you could see people base jump without a parachute? 2001/9/11
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Thanos snapped.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the prom? Because he had no BODY to go with...
I could have said a skeleTON more jokes, but I think that might break your funny bone.
What do you call a bunch of people near each other?
The start of the Hollacoast.
What has 5 legs 3 arms and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
