Even jokes

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.

I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.

Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

I mess up goats for unicorns?

Jimmy the Unicorn or goat.

I don't even know.

Why do orphans look so ugly?

Because they have a face not even a mother could love.

Aha, tomato macaroni is bad, hahaha.

(I don't even know what on earth I put here, but okay.)

Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.

Yo mama's hairline is so god damn far back even Joe Biden wouldn't sniff it.

Me, Joe Biden: What do you mean *snifff*

Why does everyone think Stephen Hawking is drunk?

Because he can't even walk.

Your face is so big that not even you can see it.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

Yo mama is so ugly that even Donald Trump couldn't be inside her dreams.

You're cheap; no one even pays attention.

We’re so poor, we can’t even afford free stuff.

What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?

Answer: A promise.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

You're so ugly that even the World Trade Center got a better transformation than you.