My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition there will be no warning shots
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents name him Sudden Lee.
I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
This joke is unavailable due to the National Period of Mourning. Please return to this page on the 19th of September.
R.I.P Queen Elizabeth II. 1926-2022
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100. Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Why is helium so expensive. It is due to inflation
So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage
I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today So I asked her, "when's it due?" She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant you rude prick!" I said, "I meant the bus you fat cunt"
Your mum is so due on eBay for £2 so she could get a male stripper
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries...because they look photoshopped and they always need to require a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
Phobos and Deimos are just asteroids in moon costumes and mars was blind due to it's frequent sandstorms so it let Phobos and Deimos to be its moons
Steven Hawking Died due to the bios update, he shutdown cuz the power cable got chewed
The British Society of Psychics annual convention had to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive? In a Jif.
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested”. The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?”. The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish”.
Your Dad Went To The shop to get milk came back went again but never came back due to a car crash due to a itchy rash
