Deadline jokes

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"

Why was the Computer late to work?

'Coz it had a hard drive... LMAO

What is written on the gravestone of a TV reporter?

"You must be back at 8:00 p.m."

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

Sleep, but make it forever.