Domestic jokes
Why is Kyle Rittenhouse the Ultimate Crime Fighter?
Because in one night he killed a pedophile and a domestic abuser.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?
Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.
I got stuck in the dryer again. Brother, say less.
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What do you call children born from incest?
Gross Domestic Product.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Why do lesbians have the highest rate of domestic violence?
Because women are emotional and full of drama.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
Women should be allowed to choose: dishes or cooking first.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?
Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?
The Western Front is domestic violence.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit your wife harder.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.