Domestic jokes

What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?

Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?

He grew up a Florida Man, after all.

Not sure if domestic violence joke or penis size joke...

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?

One of them is a domesticated pet.

I got stuck in the dryer again. Brother, say less.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

Why is Kyle Rittenhouse the Ultimate Crime Fighter?

Because in one night he killed a pedophile and a domestic abuser.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.

So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?

The Western Front is domestic violence.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.