DOE jokes
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu'um.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
Memes
Q: What does an orphan call a selfie of themself?
A: A family portrait.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Where does Hitler look first when he loses something? The attic.
WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"
What restaurant does Africa own? M.T. Bellies.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look the same? Identical!
Where does an octopus put its money? In an octo-purse!
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
Why does NASA only serve Coke?
Because they can't get Seven-Up!
What does a man with no arms or legs do on Halloween?
Nothing.
Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?
Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
Why does Kurt Cobain hate his brother?
Because he's always calling shotgun.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"