DOE jokes
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu'um.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
Memes
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
Why does NASA only serve Coke?
Because they can't get Seven-Up!
What does a man with no arms or legs do on Halloween?
Nothing.
Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?
Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
Why does Kurt Cobain hate his brother?
Because he's always calling shotgun.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
What does NASA stand for?
Neil Armweak Sorry Armstrong.
What does every pirate hate?
A small chest with no booty.
What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone didn’t pull it out in time.
What does Michael Jackson say when he gets hard? Ow!
What does Michael Jackson say when he grabs his crotch? I never noticed that before.
What does a pedophile call an orphanage?
A supermarket.