DOE jokes
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
🤔 What does BLM stand for? Blacks Love Masturbation 💘 💘 💘 💘 ☺ 😀 👍 👍
Why does Santa not have any children?
He only cums once a year.
lol the best pokemon card ever
What does a Chinese man say to his partner when having sex?
"Ching Chong Soc Mai Ding Dong"
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
What does Michael Jackson say when he stubs his toe?
Ow!
What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? A combo meal.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being dark.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Where does Hitler look first when he loses something? The attic.
Q: What does an orphan call a selfie of themself?
A: A family portrait.
What restaurant does Africa own? M.T. Bellies.
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu'um.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.